Friday, February 9, 2018


Last night, I did not sleep well. I can't remember what I dreamt but it was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable. The chihuahuas crowded me and I kind of snapped at them. Fortunately, they don't listen to me and just curled up beside me anyway.

Today is the day we move my mom into the home. It's not exactly an assisted living place, it's not exactly a nursing home. I'm calling it an eldercare home. There, she'll receive all sorts of therapy: occupational, physical, psychological. She'll be busy all day long. There are only about 10 residents and the chef works with the residents to plant a garden from which they get all the onions, herbs, lettuce, tomatoes and such that they use in preparing soups, teas, meals, etc. I like that part a lot.

I'm just hoping she makes a smooth and positive transition to the home. You see, two days ago, as we were getting ready to leave the apartment and head to my aunt's house for lunch, my mom was just down the hall, brushing her teeth. I was on the phone with my cousin, letting her know we were getting ready to leave. My mom brushed her teeth with liquid hand soap, and, realizing she made a mistake, searched for mouthwash in the cabinet under the sink. She found nail polish remover instead that the aesthetician left behind the day before when she came over to do her hair and nails. She opened the bottle and took a swig. She immediately spit it all out, but she was in shock and embarrassed. I don't think I've ever been as angry, mad, and upset with myself as I was at that moment. HOW THE HELL COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN?!!??!!

I went through the emergency protocols; had her rinse her mouth for several minutes; had her re-brush her teeth with toothpaste and use proper mouthwash to help flush the taste of the acetone. I called the doctor, he gave me a few other instructions and a medication for her to take for a few days. I monitored her for a while and she insisted that she was fine. Not that my mom is a liar, but she has never been good at admitting the truth. This is a woman who, when told she had diabetes, didn't bother to tell her children. We found out eight years after the original diagnosis! Worse, she hadn't bothered to really treat it, she'd merely tried to pray it away. She tries to pray everything away. This is another reason why I can't stand the Catholic Church from several decades ago. Boy, they really fucked her up. Well-intentioned, dangerous, brainwashing shame-inducers. I shouldn't even get started down this road...

It's hard to separate my history with her in the role of mother-son from my current experience as caregiver-elderly parent with dementia. I was angry because my mom has never admitted when she's not feeling well, when she's going through a tough moment, etc. In other words, she's never allowed herself to be vulnerable with me. It makes it extremely difficult to care for her. I have to guess at things. Fortunately, my husband has her full confidence, but he also works long hours and has a really stressful job. 

And here I am, griping, complaining. Arrrggggghhhhh.

I hope today goes well. My sister, who arrived a couple of days ago, is taking care of her right now. She just messaged me to say that my mom is experiencing nausea, dizziness, and she's really tired. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for our car to get a repair done and sitting at the café next door. I should be working right now or helping my sister with stuff, but we need the car later today and this repair needs to happen. Also, I needed to write. I'm exhausted. Feeling like I just need to get through these next couple of days...

And still, the new SPOUSE release is scheduled for February 23rd. You think I've had any time to really promote it? Timing is so off.

Breathe in through my nose; exhale through my mouth. Fucking acetone.

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